SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Got him!
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
A huge thanks to the person that did this