I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you