Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
You Might Also Like
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
WHY would you be happy about this?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”