Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
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I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here