ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
What about second breakfast?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black