It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
honestly, i need both:
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.