*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.