aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Cinematography is my passion
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old