As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
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Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
*gets down on one knee*
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Yes, but it was never about money
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks