I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
You Might Also Like
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I think I’m having a stroke
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.