“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
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not seeing the problem
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!