My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
You Might Also Like
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.