My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
tell em, edith-anne
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
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