My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
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Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
mariah carrie
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Mouse
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.