Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.