Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
You Might Also Like
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”