14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
#Caturday
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Comparing yourself to others