Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
What personal space?
My dog
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Pat is about to own someone
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.