there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Lol
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions