Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her