I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.