To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*