“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!