“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
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Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Worth a try
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.