Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Our lord and savoury.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.