Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
When your parents check you’re ok.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.