Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
You Might Also Like
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
real
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Everyone’s family
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing