Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
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1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.