Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Holy moly
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Childbirth is so beautiful
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I thought this was funny lol