Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
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Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Genius idea!!
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window