Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
If looks could kill
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE: