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If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Welcome to the stomach
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.