Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
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Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
My favorite type of men is ramen.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.