imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
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Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”