Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept