If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
the three genders
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
accurate
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no