My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
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I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”