If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Breaking news:
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
when dads have a rap battle