I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.