Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
You Might Also Like
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉