In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
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[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
He took my last fry, your honor
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.