Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Its true…
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Great Canadian literature.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos