My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!