Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
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[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too