I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Friday
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.