I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!