boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie