Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
“i am a sweet baby”
This why you should mind your business
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.