My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
You Might Also Like
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything