You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My favorite type of men is ramen.